Letting Go of Perfect: How to Support Your Perfectionist Child (and Heal Your Own Inner Critic)

I was 9 when a doctor told me I was a perfectionist.

My mom and I were confused. We were looking for answers to physical symptoms like stomach aches, trouble sleeping, and constant tension — not a personality diagnosis.

But years later, I understood exactly what she meant.

I had grown up as the youngest of four kids — always trying to catch up, to prove I was just as smart, just as capable. As a girl, the pressure to be “perfect” came with extra layers: be smart, but not too smart. Be pretty, but not vain. Be accomplished but effortless.

Having ADHD only made that pressure heavier. It took me twice as long to get anything done. I’d forget things, lose things, zone out, fall behind. I always felt like I was running just to stay in place — and still behind everyone else.

Why is it so easy for others? Why is it so hard for me?

I lived in that comparison trap for years.

💔 The Culture That Fed My Perfectionism

Before moving to the U.S., I was in ballet conservatories and strict French schools — environments where mistakes were not tolerated.

In ballet, I was sent out of the studio in tears for getting a move wrong. In school at age five, a teacher ripped up my paper and yelled at me in front of the class because I didn’t understand the language yet.

Later, when I moved to the U.S., I experienced a different kind of shame. I was called a nerd. I started wondering — Am I too much? Too smart? Not enough? Do I fit in at all?

By adolescence, perfectionism wrapped itself around everything — school, appearance, performance, and even friendships.

I was terrified to raise my hand and say something “stupid.” I agonized over every mistake. I obsessed over body image, trying to be fashionable, flawless — anything to fit in.

🧠 Perfectionism Isn’t About Being Perfect. It’s About Being Afraid.

Afraid of being judged. Afraid of being left out. Afraid of not being good enough to be loved.

And perfectionism doesn't just live in childhood. It follows us into adulthood — until we name it, face it, and start the work of healing.

🎓 College: The Beginning of Becoming

College was when I finally started finding myself. (And yes, you might think that’s a little late — but freedom doesn’t follow a timeline.)

I had to face the truth about my disordered eating. I wanted to be free. I knew my identity was in Christ. That I was fearfully and wonderfully made. But I’d look in the mirror and hate my body — the very temple of God.

I remember crying one night, praying, and picturing His tears, too. And that broke something open in me.

That moment was the beginning of choosing freedom.

I dropped the pointe shoes and audited ballet classes just for joy. I chose fun. I chose rest. I chose a career I would love, not just one that would look good. I stopped striving for a perfect GPA (even at “Work” Forest, aka Wake Forest 😅). I started to embrace that college — and life — was about more than academics.

I started focusing on my calling, not comparison. I dug into who I am in Christ — not what others expected of me.

I’m still healing. Still reframing. I still don’t love the feeling of making mistakes, but I no longer let them define me.

🙋🏽‍♀️ Helping Your Child Break Free from Perfectionism

If you’re a parent and your child is showing signs of perfectionism — meltdowns over mistakes, obsessing over grades, avoiding things they can’t immediately master — here are a few things you can do to help:

1. Normalize Mistakes

Talk about your own struggles. Tell them how you failed and what you learned. Let them see that even adults mess up.

2. Praise Effort, Not Outcome

Instead of saying, “You’re so smart,” say, “I’m proud of how hard you worked.” This helps kids value the process, not just the result.

3. Watch the Language Around Failure

Reframe it as a learning opportunity — not a verdict. Try: “What do you think you could try differently next time?” or “That was a brave attempt!”

4. Teach Emotional Regulation

Help them notice how feedback affects their nervous system. Teach breathing, grounding, and positive self-talk when they feel shame.

5. Help Them Identify the Inner Critic

Give it a name. Help them recognize when that voice is talking — and when it’s time to speak back with truth and compassion.

💛 Healing Your Own Inner Critic

And maybe… You see yourself in all of this too.

Maybe your child’s perfectionism brings up your own struggles with shame, pressure, or not feeling good enough. That’s not a failure — it’s an opportunity.

Healing is allowed to happen in parallel.

You don’t have to be a perfect parent to raise a healthy, self-compassionate child. You just have to keep showing up with curiosity and care — for them and for yourself.

Even when others don’t understand… Even when mistakes feel huge… Even when it feels like you're falling behind…

God still loves you. And those who truly care will still be there. And if no one else is — He is.

🌱 Final Thoughts

Letting go of perfectionism is a process — not a one-time event.  And sometimes, the first step is simply telling the truth:

This is hard. I’m trying. And I want something different — not just for myself, but for my sons too.

As a mom of a high school senior and a college freshman, I want them to know they can make mistakes and still be deeply loved. I want them to live lives full of joy, freedom, and passion — not pressure, perfection, or overwhelm.

You’re not alone in this journey. And I’m here to walk alongside you.

—

If this story resonated with you, I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments or messages. And if you're looking for support for your child (or for yourself), I’m here to help.

By Rebecca Muyres, LPC, CPCS, RPT-S, CCTP, CATP Trilingual Child & Family Therapist | Practice Owner