A Simple Communication Tool That Strengthened My Marriage: AVR

Holiday gatherings bring people together—but they also bring opinions, old patterns, and emotional reactions we don’t always expect. Stress is higher, patience is thinner, and even strong relationships can feel the strain.

As a coach, I often work with men who genuinely want to show up better in these moments but aren’t always sure what to say when emotions run high. Many default to fixing, explaining, or shutting down—not because they don’t care, but because they don’t have a clear framework for what actually helps.

I know this firsthand.

For a long time, when my wife Rebecca and I struggled or hit a rough patch—especially during stressful seasons—my instinct was to fix things, explain myself, or move us quickly toward resolution. I thought that was love.

What I didn’t realize was that what she needed most wasn’t fixing—it was feeling heard.

That’s when I began practicing a simple but powerful communication tool I now teach in my coaching work: AVR—Acknowledge, Validate, and Reassure. It’s not about fixing feelings—it’s about strengthening connection.

Acknowledge: “I See You”

Acknowledging means slowing down and recognizing your spouse’s experience without defending yourself or rushing to explain your intentions.

Before AVR, my responses often sounded like:

• “That’s not what I meant.”

• “I didn’t do that on purpose.”

• “You’re misunderstanding me.”

• “I already said I was sorry.”

Even when those statements are true, they can unintentionally create more distance.

Acknowledgment sounds more like:

“I can see that what I said really hurt you.”
“I hear how upset you are.”

Acknowledging can feel uncomfortable because it can feel like admitting fault or taking on blame. But acknowledgment isn’t about being wrong—it’s about being present.

For Rebecca, this was huge. She didn’t feel dismissed or brushed aside—she felt seen.

Scripture reminds us of this posture:
“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” (James 1:19)

Validate: “Your Feelings Make Sense”

Validation was the hardest step for me to learn—and one of the most important.

Validation says, “Given your experience, your feelings make sense.” It doesn’t mean you agree with everything. It means you respect your spouse’s emotional experience.

Instead of explaining why she shouldn’t feel a certain way, I learned to say:

“I understand why that felt painful.”
“That makes sense, especially after everything you’ve been carrying.”

When Rebecca hears this, something shifts. Her nervous system settles. The walls come down. She feels valued—not judged.

Validation reflects the heart of Christ, who consistently met people where they were before offering direction or correction.

Reassure: “You Are Safe With Me”

Reassurance is often the missing piece.

In any relationship, hurt can happen—even when it’s not intentional. Stress, fatigue, and past wounds can all contribute to small ruptures, especially during the holidays.

Reassurance answers the deeper questions underneath the hurt:
Are we okay? 
Do you still care? 
Can I trust you?

Reassurance sounds like:

“I love you, and I’m committed to us.”
“You matter to me.”
“I want to do better.”

Especially when I’ve hurt Rebecca, reassurance helps repair trust. It tells her that the relationship is safe, that she’s not alone, and that I’m willing to take responsibility—not just feel sorry.

Why AVR Works

AVR works because it shifts the focus from being right to staying connected. It slows things down, creates emotional safety, and allows repair to happen before distance grows.

For my wife, AVR helped her feel listened to and valued. For me, it helped me grow in humility, emotional awareness, and leadership at home. Small ruptures no longer have to turn into lasting divides when you have a simple way to come back together.

A Final Word to Men

Sometimes love looks like pausing instead of explaining. Sometimes it means listening longer than feels comfortable. And sometimes it means choosing empathy when your instinct is to protect yourself.

As Scripture says:

“Love is patient, love is kind… it always protects.” (1 Corinthians 13:4–7)

These are skills that can be learned and practiced.

If you’re a husband, father, or man who wants to grow in communication, emotional maturity, and relational leadership—especially during high-stress seasons—coaching can help.

Working with a coach gives you tools, perspective, and accountability to show up differently in the relationships that matter most.

Written by Jeff Muyres, PCC, CPT, CACLC, CSPC
Christian Life Coach & Mental Performance Coach

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🌐 Serving clients in Georgia and nationwide through virtual coaching